Love in a bean bag

What does love feel like? What does it look like? Is there any way to actually describe it in a few words or less? I don't think so. But you know it when you see it. I found it in a bean bag...actually in the filling up of a bean bag. 

Our family time was rushed last night, because I got home late from a dr appointment and consequently peter got back to his studies later than he planned. I'm still nesting pretty bad and so I decided to fill up my newborn poser with 4 boxes of filler to be able to cross it off my list. I read that it could be messy so I decided to do it out in the garage. 

As soon as I tried to do it myself I realized I had bitten off more than I could chew- bean bag filler started going everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE. Apparently there was a hole in the top part of the giant bag and they were flying out of there faster than I could try to get some to come out of the actual hole I had made. It was kind of a disaster. 

Peter happened to walk by the garage while I was attempting to not lose every bean from that bag- and he put his book down and came over to help even though he was already behind. He took over from there- I don't know how or why I thought I could do this myself!! He emptied the rest of the initial bag into the poser and I attempted to clean up some of the hundreds of sticky, static-y beans I had spilled, and the wind was blowing into the garage and spreading them all over. Baby Peter thought it was Christmas morning- he was so excited to chase them, stomp on them, and play with them! 

In the mean time, my sweet man started getting out a bunch of supplies and it didn't take me long to realize he was making a giant funnel to finish filling the poser bag. During school time, he willingly and without me asking set his work aside and joined in rescuing me from my project. I fell in love a little more with him. 

He diligently worked on his giant funnel and soon had it ready to fill. I wish I could have gotten a picture of me the teamwork it took. He would fill the funnel reservoir, then hold it up while I shook the poser and helped direct the beans into it. It worked really well and we wasted wayyyy less beans from the next three bags. Even though I was so impressed with the funnel masterpiece I was more overwhelmed and impressed by how loved I felt! I don't have to nag or beg for my sweetheart's help- lately I have had so many projects as my nesting mommy's heart prepares for baby and peter has SO kindly and sympathetically taken my projects and urgent "to do's" as his own. From shampooing carpets to moving furniture...he has been a huge support and I'm so grateful for the loving husband he is. 

We finally got our bean bag poser filled and father and son had fun testing it out. :-) 

My heart was filled to the brim and I fell in love all over again. So thankful for the love I found in a bean bag! 

Dear poppy (the sequel)

Dear poppy, who we now affectionately call our little son, baby peter.

(Reminiscing with a old pacifier you found) 

Almost two years ago I wrote you a letter on here. I was still pregnant with you and we had received really scary news that something may be wrong with your brain. I was so afraid for you, filled with so many doubts about what your future may hold but I promised to love you no matter what. That was such an incredibly hard wait to see what that scary mri told us about you. And I still thank the Lord often that it told us you looked just fine! You were so scared that day from the loud noises that you flipped around to get closer to mommy's voice for a few days. I don't blame you. I was scared too. 

We waited a few more months and then we got to meet you. It wasn't how I pictured you coming- I always skipped the csection part of all the books I read because I knew that wouldn't apply to us. But it did and at 38 weeks when my water broke and my body never went into labor and your heart rate went down too low, we met you in a surgery room. And our lives would never ever be the same. They told us "it's a boy" which I was already pretty sure you were. What they didn't tell us is what kind of boy- they didn't tell us how sweet you would be, and how cute, and how you would change our lives and teach us so much about faith and love and selflessness and joy. 

I had no idea then how motherhood would change my life. How you would make me a totally different person, with different priorities and interests. The last two years we have spent so much time doing everything together. Most of it, maybe even all of it, you won't specifically remember. But I will never forget. 

Last night I told you it was bedtime, after you had been reading books with me and helping me clean up the house. We also shared a Reese's miniatures because you seem to love them as much as mommy and I couldn't resist you as you signed more and please and said "mo" "mo" and smiled at me. So I told you it was bedtime and you cheerfully grabbed your blanket and headed to your room. Oh but on the way you spotted two candy wrappers on the ground and without anyone telling you to, you picked both of them up and handed them to mommy so I wouldn't have to get down and get them. It was a tiny moment, but a huge deal- showcasing your servant spirit and sweetness even as a one year old. I hope you never lose that. It made me fall in love with you all over again. I wanted to text everyone I knew because it was so cute to me, but I didn't text anyone, I just thought to myself I am the most blessed mommy in the whole world. I couldn't have explained that in a text...how can you describe love in a short candy wrapper story. You just can't. 

We prayed for you to be peaceful. That was our "word" for you- and you are such a gentle, peaceful, sleep-loving, thoughtful, funny, obedient, helpful little boy. You are my favorite. You are my firstborn. You made me a mommy. 

Our worlds are about to change. And neither of us know how much right now. I think you think we have an imaginary friend named chloe. You play along well- just yesterday you sat in front of the car seat swing and tucked in two little animals and read them stories because you saw mommy tuck a little stuffed animal in there. If I say the word baby you always put your finger to your lips and say shhhh because "baby's sleeping." If I ask you where is chloe? You pat my belly. And then you pat yours. You have no idea who chloe is (I don't think). Very soon you will know, and you will be a big brother. It's hard to imagine how I could ever love another little one like I love you. How will I divide up my time between both of you, so that you don't feel any less loved but neither does she? When I think of it, it makes me wonder if you will feel jealous or like mommy doesn't have as much time for you. Which I won't have as much time but I know there will be so many candy wrapper stories. Where time after time my heart fills with love and pride for the little boy that made me a mommy. 

Sure mommy will have to divide her attention now, but you will also gain a playmate, a little sister. We will learn so much about ourselves as we adjust to having her in our lives. We are both going to have to learn how to share. I will have to relearn how to share my night sleep with a hungry baby. I will have to learn how to share my time between both of you. You will both share my affection now. You will learn to share your toys with her, you will learn how to share your space, your cuddle time with mommy, your being the constant center of attention. I hope we both learn how to share well. I think there will be times when I miss it just being us, and I will feel guilty about that- but it's been the best two years a mommy could ask for. I'm so glad that love multiplies, not divides.  I'm not dividing my love for you into chloe, I will multiply my mommy love times two.

 But I will never forget this moment in time when it was just me and you and daddy. It's gone by so quickly...everyone said it would. 

 Thank you, my little love for all you have taught me about being a mommy...and may we both learn how to share well as we enter this next chapter in our lives.

A night to remember- Baby Chloe's Baby Shower

 My church here has a really sweet policy- baby shower for your first baby that you have when you're at this church.  So, I thought my baby shower days were long behind me after baby Peter, but I was excited to find out I got another one for Chloe!  Because anyone that knows me knows I really really like presents and the combination of presents, friends, and yummy food makes me super happy.

So fun to have showers when you don't know what you're having, like last time... but it was just as fun to be able to have a shower knowing what we're having and being able to celebrate specifically knowing we are having a girl.  I LOVED all the pink and gray decorations.  My friends went all out and picked stuff they knew I would love, and it meant so much.  Most of the decorations were DIY, and I know it took them lots of time and thought. The shower was so "me."

Most of the decorations I will be able to use again in Chloe's nursery when I get it set up.  

Oh and the food was SO good too- they made pink popcorn, pink oreos, pink pretzels, and pink punch...in addition to all the yummy appetizer foods.  I won't say how many salted caramel cupcakes I ate. It's my shower, I could gorge if I wanted to. Right?

The pretty group of ladies that made it all happen!

Special thanks to Jen and Devin for all the planning and coordinating...and for being awesome friends!

 Theres a really big baby belly hiding behind this cupcake tower!

 So fun to open all the gifts- 

I asked for primarily diapers and wipes but everyone was fun and added less-practical, pretty things also that I am SO excited to put on my little girl.  I am convinced she will be the best-dressed and accessorized little girl in the world...but of course I will be majorly biased.

 A very special, memorable night that made me feel very blessed and "showered" by everyone's care and generosity for us and our upcoming little blessing.  

It also left me with a bunch of leftover desserts, which at 35 weeks pregnant was pretty exciting...

until I stepped on the scale.  

Pregnancy weeks 31-35

Still on my house cleaning schedule at 32 weeks, but I'm starting to feel too big to scrub bathtubs. Haha. 

We also got to see our baby girl again at an ultrasound they wanted to do because I have IBS. Everything looks good and chloe is measuring a week big! At 32 weeks she is breech, so we are praying she turns around.  

At 33 1/2 weeks I got the flu that I blogged about and it lasted until past 35 weeks. Ugh it was awful. My google searches included "can you break your water coughing" and other fun things like that. 

34 weeks was spent on the couch feeling miserable together. Chloe took full advantage of me sitting around and went on a crazy growth spurt. She seems huge! She made a nice pillow for poor, sick big brother. 

Back to normal life a little bit in my 35th week. And thanks to being so sick, I'm still only up 23 pounds! It was my last week house cleaning- I made it through 3 days of cleaning, a Mens advance meeting, and nesting like crazy. Peter and I tackled a bunch of big house projects that are on my to do list before chloe comes- so we emptied closets, cleaned the car out, shampooed carpets, even got our bed fixed and not in the middle of the room (long story!) and various other projects to start preparing for her arrival. I've been having a lot of Braxton hicks and I think some real contractions also, plus all the other enjoyable comforts of being this huge. So excited I will only have one more blog post after this until we get to meet her! 

Week 35 I also got my baby shower thrown by my sweet friends here. It was gorgeous. Blog post to come on that!