Almost two years ago I wrote you a letter on here. I was still pregnant with you and we had received really scary news that something may be wrong with your brain. I was so afraid for you, filled with so many doubts about what your future may hold but I promised to love you no matter what. That was such an incredibly hard wait to see what that scary mri told us about you. And I still thank the Lord often that it told us you looked just fine! You were so scared that day from the loud noises that you flipped around to get closer to mommy's voice for a few days. I don't blame you. I was scared too.
We waited a few more months and then we got to meet you. It wasn't how I pictured you coming- I always skipped the csection part of all the books I read because I knew that wouldn't apply to us. But it did and at 38 weeks when my water broke and my body never went into labor and your heart rate went down too low, we met you in a surgery room. And our lives would never ever be the same. They told us "it's a boy" which I was already pretty sure you were. What they didn't tell us is what kind of boy- they didn't tell us how sweet you would be, and how cute, and how you would change our lives and teach us so much about faith and love and selflessness and joy.
I had no idea then how motherhood would change my life. How you would make me a totally different person, with different priorities and interests. The last two years we have spent so much time doing everything together. Most of it, maybe even all of it, you won't specifically remember. But I will never forget.
Last night I told you it was bedtime, after you had been reading books with me and helping me clean up the house. We also shared a Reese's miniatures because you seem to love them as much as mommy and I couldn't resist you as you signed more and please and said "mo" "mo" and smiled at me. So I told you it was bedtime and you cheerfully grabbed your blanket and headed to your room. Oh but on the way you spotted two candy wrappers on the ground and without anyone telling you to, you picked both of them up and handed them to mommy so I wouldn't have to get down and get them. It was a tiny moment, but a huge deal- showcasing your servant spirit and sweetness even as a one year old. I hope you never lose that. It made me fall in love with you all over again. I wanted to text everyone I knew because it was so cute to me, but I didn't text anyone, I just thought to myself I am the most blessed mommy in the whole world. I couldn't have explained that in a text...how can you describe love in a short candy wrapper story. You just can't.
We prayed for you to be peaceful. That was our "word" for you- and you are such a gentle, peaceful, sleep-loving, thoughtful, funny, obedient, helpful little boy. You are my favorite. You are my firstborn. You made me a mommy.
Our worlds are about to change. And neither of us know how much right now. I think you think we have an imaginary friend named chloe. You play along well- just yesterday you sat in front of the car seat swing and tucked in two little animals and read them stories because you saw mommy tuck a little stuffed animal in there. If I say the word baby you always put your finger to your lips and say shhhh because "baby's sleeping." If I ask you where is chloe? You pat my belly. And then you pat yours. You have no idea who chloe is (I don't think). Very soon you will know, and you will be a big brother. It's hard to imagine how I could ever love another little one like I love you. How will I divide up my time between both of you, so that you don't feel any less loved but neither does she? When I think of it, it makes me wonder if you will feel jealous or like mommy doesn't have as much time for you. Which I won't have as much time but I know there will be so many candy wrapper stories. Where time after time my heart fills with love and pride for the little boy that made me a mommy.
Sure mommy will have to divide her attention now, but you will also gain a playmate, a little sister. We will learn so much about ourselves as we adjust to having her in our lives. We are both going to have to learn how to share. I will have to relearn how to share my night sleep with a hungry baby. I will have to learn how to share my time between both of you. You will both share my affection now. You will learn to share your toys with her, you will learn how to share your space, your cuddle time with mommy, your being the constant center of attention. I hope we both learn how to share well. I think there will be times when I miss it just being us, and I will feel guilty about that- but it's been the best two years a mommy could ask for. I'm so glad that love multiplies, not divides. I'm not dividing my love for you into chloe, I will multiply my mommy love times two.
But I will never forget this moment in time when it was just me and you and daddy. It's gone by so quickly...everyone said it would.
Thank you, my little love for all you have taught me about being a mommy...and may we both learn how to share well as we enter this next chapter in our lives.
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